Fire Nation News
by marvel26
Summary: Sadly Larry King was not available.


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Disclaimer: I do not own the intellectual properties depicted herein. I do not own the characters portrayed. I make no claim to own any part of 'Avatar: The Last Airbender'. All intellectual properties depicted herein belong to the creators of 'Avatar: The Last Airbender.' and Nickelodeon.

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_Brought to you by Ozai's Wrath._

_Ozai's Wrath: Cologne For Every Tyrant_

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**"Live from the Fire Palace."**

**"Zuko."**

**"Mai."**

**"Ty Lee."**

**"Long Feng."**

**"Combustion Man."**

Zuko: "Good evening. I'm Prince Zuko."

Mai: "I'm Lady Mai."

Both: "This is FNN."

Mai: "Today's top stories: Rumors of an invasion. Is there a mystery fleet out there? A smelting plant sabotaged. Eco-terrorists or angry river spirits?"

Zuko: "But first Home News."

Mai: "Outbreaks of student protests have marred the once pristine image of our Nation's superior education system. More and more students are now putting down their brushes and picking up picket signs advocating free speech, other freedom rights and more school dances."

Zuko: "Wow, school sure has changed since we went there."

Mai: "Authorities are baffled as to where our once well behaved future hopes and dreams obtained such nonsensical notions."

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Principal: "This is all that boy's doing!"

Ty Lee: "Boy?"

Principal: "Yes! That boy! With the head band!"

Ty Lee: "All the protestors are wearing head bands."

Principal: "Yes, yes. But it's that one child! Form the colonies!"

Ty Lee: "According to your records half your school intake is from the colonies."

Principal: "The one with the weird parents!"

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'Sapphire Fire': "Oh my! The children are protesting?!"

'Wang Fire': "They need discipline! That's what those young rascals need! A good tanning of their behinds!"

Ty Lee: "Is it true that your son...Kuzon, is it? Is the ring leader?"

'Sapphire Fire': "Oh dear La...I mean Agni no! My sweet little Aa...Kuzon wouldn't do that. He just wouldn't. He's not a trouble maker. He's sweet, kind and shy. He's my Hope."

'Wang Fire': "And might I add...your chest...I mean your...eyes. Yeah eyes. Look bigger in person."

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Zuko: "Now there's a cute couple. Don't you think so Mai?"

Mai: "Meh. Whatever. Citizens beware. As a rise in con artist activity, authorities have advised all to be wary of suspicious and shady characters posing as visually disabled."

Zuko: "The Runaway, as she's called and her unidentified accomplices are reported to be responsible for a string of high profile cons in the region."

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Fat Rich Man: "It was all so sudden. I was in my carriage when it just hit something. When I got out to look, there was this little girl on the ground. She looked hurt and then this bearded officer showed up and told me I had just run over a blind child. You must understand I was panicking. A man of my status can't get into such a scandal. Only after I had paid my weight in gold for her medical expenses did the officer let me off. Little did I know it was a scam!"

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Carnival Guy: "Hey Ty Lee! Long time no see!"

Ty Lee: "Heya! How's it going? I'm on the job now so mind if I ask you a few questions?"

Carnival Guy: "Is this about the Runaway?"

Ty Lee: "Yes. Have you seen her?"

Carnival Guy: "Seen her? I was robbed by her! She cheated all the money out of the hammer contest! No way sucha little girl could have so much strength!"

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Kid with Head Band: "Wha? Am I on?"

Ty Lee: "Yes, you're on."

Kid with Head Band: "Oh wow! Hi Kat...Hi mom! Hi dad!"

Girl with No Shoes: "Oh just hurry up and let's go."

Kid with Head Band: "Oh yeah. Umm...this is about the blind bandit right?"

Ty Lee: "No. The Runaway. Who's the Blind Bandit?"

Kid with Head Band: "Oh she's soooo cool."

Girl with No Shoes: "You got that right. And the Runaway's just as cool too."

Ty Lee: "You do realize she's a criminal right?"

Kid with Head Band: "That's why she's cool! And strong and cute and...and...well she's just super."

Ty Lee: "Riiiight. Hey you've got one of those head bands. Are you a student protestor?"

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Shell Game Man: "Yeah I's seen the little punks. Scammed ME out of my own scam. Would'ja believe that? Guy can't make a dishonest livin' no more. What happened to honour amongst theives?"

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Zuko: "Yes. Whatever happened to 'Honor'?"

Mai: "Done emo-ing?"

Zuko: "Give me a moment."

Mai: "Whatever. Anyone with information on the Runaway and her accomplices, please approach your local authorities. A sizeable reward has been emplaced."

Zuko: "After the break, Smelting Sabotage: Angry Spirits or Industrial Espionage?"

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_Tired of always looking less than your best?_

_"It's a scar…it can't be healed…"_

_Fed up with paying exorbitant amounts of money on beauty products that don't even work?_

_"This Kyoshi make up's giving me a rash!"_

_Can't stand having to keep up appearances just to please those around you?_

_"I swear if I have to smile and say 'There is no war in Ba Sing Se' one more time…."_

_Then come on down to Koh's Used Face Emporium, we've got faces to suit anybody, any day, any occasion._

_Here at Koh's…we put a smile on your face._

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Zuko: "And we're back. Tragedy struck a small insignificant fishing village recently when the local smelting plant was mysteriously sabotaged."

Mai: "Authorities are investigating the cause of the disaster though the locals seem adamant that their local river spirit, the Painted Lady grew angry at the pollution and decided to take revenge. Frankly, it's this anchor's opinion that the villagers have been drinking too much of the river."

Zuko: "What is confirmed that following this incident of eco-terrorism, as the local law enforcement have deemed it, a detachment of heavily armored mechanized vehicles and troops have been sent in to restore order and salvage the plant. For their own safety, the villagers have been relocated to Coal Mine #534."

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Trooper Officer: "We understand that these people depend on the river for their livelihoods. So we came up with a win-win situation. We get them...jobs...at the coal mines. Three hots and cot. Can't beat that."

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Mai: "Indeed."

Zuko: "Is that concern? For the people? I did not know you had it in you."

Mai: "Just read the prompter."

Zuko: "And now World News."

Mai: "With the recent addition of Ba Sing Se into the Fire Nation Union, there have been rumors of an upcoming invasion lead by rag tag rebels, supposedly on the Day of Black Sun."

Zuko: "Our own roving reporter Ty Lee and foreign correspondent Long Feng dig for the truth."

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Ty Lee: "Ma'am. What do you think about this rumored invasion?"

Oddly Familiar woman: "I think it's about time. Some one has to take my lousy husband...I mean, oh dear. How dreadful."

Ty Lee: "Yes. But do you think these rumors are true?"

Oddly Familiar Woman: "I hope not. Oh my, look at the time. I have to go...water my brother-in-law's White Lotus garden. Oh and I can't forget his tea."

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Ty Lee: "Sir? Sir?"

Pian Dao: "Yes miss?"

Ty Lee: "What do you think about the rumors of an invasion on the day of the eclipse?"

Pian Dao: "Well miss, it's hard to say. Life is like art. One brush stroke out of place and what was supposed to be a master piece is now a mess."

Ty Lee: "Yeeeah. But the invasion rumors?"

Pian Dao: "Never heard of them."

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Mai: "We go now to Ba Sing Se and foreign correspondent Long Feng."

Zuko: "Long Feng? What's the situation like there?"

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Long Feng: "The situation here is calm. The Dai Li have investigated the matter and questioned the local populace about any truth to the rumors. Also they've managed to stop these vile rumors from spreading."

Joo Dee: "There is no invasion of the Fire Nation. All is well. At the tone the time will be..."

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Zuko: "We can see that. Thank you. In other news, a village in the western regions has claimed to have captured a witch."

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Villager: "We found a witch. May we burn her?"

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Zuko: "Purportedly to have taken control of her victim's bodies and dragged them into imprisonment. Now how far fetched is that? Taking control of another person's body?"

Mai: "There are stranger things..."

Zuko: "Quite true. On to sports. In Kuai Ball, 'Azula's Demons' thoroughly trounced their tournament rivals 'The Beach Bums' in a shockingly vicious 11-Nil victory."

Mai: "11-Nil? But there's only a maximum of 10 points."

Zuko: "Like I said…shockingly vicious. The extra point being awarded to 'Azula's Demons' for them to stop beating on the other team."

Mai: "Financial news. Gold plummeted partly due to the recent scams. Wheat is on the rise and steel has sky rocketed."

Zuko: "And now the weather. Combustion Man?"

Combustion Man: "..."

Zuko: "..."

Combustion Man: "...grrr..."

Zuko: "...Ah...I see...you blew up the map. Must be a heat wave then right?"

Mai: "It's always a heat wave."

Zuko: "Oh. This just in. Breaking news. You heard it here first on FNN."

Mai: "It seems that the Avatar has been spotted alive and well. Right here in the Fire Nation. This from, as it says here, a most honorable and trustworthy source. This does not bode well for Fire Lord Ozai's campaign of tyranny and fear."

Zuko: "Yes and it's an election year too."

Mai: "We go now to Ty Lee who's on the scene at the Fire Palace. Ty Lee?"

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Ty Lee: "What do you mean that Water Tribe boy's not cute? He's like a total stud muff...Oh hi Mai! As you know, the ministers are all gathered in the War Room. Unfortunately we could not get in. I tried knocking a few guards out but more just came. Oh wait, the doors are opening! Oh oh oh! Fire Lord Ozai! Fire Lord! A question if you please?"

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Zuko: "Ty Lee?"

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Ty Lee: "Well I couldn't get a comment from his royal highness...oh wait, I see Azula! Azula! Azula! Could you answer some...?"

Azula: "Get that (censored) thing out of my face!"

Ty Lee: "Well there you have it. The Royal Family declines comment. Back to you guys."

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Mai: "Fascinating. Any comments Zuko?"

Zuko: "Azula's in trouble. Azula's in trouble."

Mai: "Riiight. For all the folks here at the studio, I'm Lady Mai."

Zuko: "And I'm Prince Zuko."

Both: "This has been FNN."

Mai: "Agni bless and good night."

Zuko: "Stay flamin'."

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End.


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